This lead me to the Myers Briggs Personality types. Which is based on the Psychological Types published by Carl Jung in 1921 that categorized people into primary types of psychological functions. In the 1940s Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter, Isabel Briggs Myers built upon the research developed by Jung and developed their own theory of psychological types showcasing 16 personalities.
So, I took one of the personality tests. Okay... I took 5 different ones. All in the name of research... (obsession) All the same results. ( I also forced everyone in my family to take the tests) I actually remember taking a personality test many years ago and getting the same results then. However, back then I was still at war with accepting myself and I did not like my results. This time, the difference is that instead of feeling boxed in or disappointed by my traits I am comforted and empowered. Mostly, I was like..... "Wait... there are other people out there like me? People who feel, think and do things like me? "
What exactly is a INFJ? Oh, wait.. it is me! Of course I am one of the rarest personality types! Only 1-3 % of the population have INFJ personality! That explains a few things.
Discovering that I am Intuitive was an eye opener and a life changer for me. I realized that I do tend to absorb the emotions of those around me. I feel what other people feel - sometimes without even realizing it. If they are stressed then I am stressed. Now that I am aware of this, I can step back from an intense emotional situation and remind myself that the emotions I am picking up are not necessarily mine. I can set healthy boundaries with people and situations that tend to overwhelm me and find a balance between their emotions and mine. I also know things - not in a physic sort of way. It is more that I simply pick up on things that other people miss, without even knowing that I am doing it. It is a gut instinct sort of thing and I have learned to listen to it because It is most often correct.
I have always know I was a feeler. I feel things deeply and make decisions based on feelings. I am also rational but if my feelings are ever pitted against my knowledge I will almost always go with my emotions or my gut instinct. Even If I can't logically explain why I do the things I do or make some of the choice that Ido.. I feel the reason and that works for me.
I hate conflict. I will go to great lengths to avoid it. I am also really bad at conflict. Seriously bad at conflict. If I am forced to engage in it the results can be anything from tears, to no visible emotion, to a fierce rage that no one should ever experience.
On top of that, I am overly sensitive and I don't respond well to criticism. It breaks me into a million pieces. Even if I logically know that I should not take things personally, and even I pretend not to... I ALWAYS take things personally. It is not healthy and I work at not taking things personally every single day. My sensitive side is a constant battle for me. I never want to loose the compassion that I have but after years of being told "you are to sensitive " I have learned to hide that part of myself. You probably won't see my tears or my pain but trust me they are mountains inside of me.
Next up... the Judging. WAIT!!! I don't want to be labeled a judger. At first glance, I rejected this but when I looked closer I do see this part of my personality clearly. It doesn't mean I judge people. It means I follow the rules. Yes, I was totally that kid in school who followed all the rules. Unless of course, the rules go against one of my deeply held values, then I am like forget the rules. I like to know why the rules exist. I like to make plans. I like to stick to the plan, and I have a deep need to be prompt and responsible. Those are all very true. It sounds very boring and uptight. I do have that impulsive streak when It comes to emotions that helps to balance it out a little. As I have grown older, I have learned to embrace the twists and turns that life throws into my plans. I know longer fall apart when my plans fall apart, but I still like it best when things go as planned. Which they don't.. most of the time!
I saw this re occurring pattern in my life and it really started to bother me. I am in essence , an extremely loyal person. I value loyalty. It is a deep part of who I am. So, the idea that I could just reach a point where I turned that loyalty off really bothered me. I began to really question my mental health at this point. What kind of person does that? How can you love someone intensely one day and simply not care about them the next?
INFJ personality types do this. It is called the INFJ Door Slam. Now I am not saying it is 100% healthy but understanding why I do this (and that other people do it to!) has given me a deeper sense of who I am and why I do this.
So why? Why the door slam? INFJ's are sensitive, caring people who strive to help and love others. We care. We care a lot. INFJ's often neglect themselves to focus on those close to them. We absorb their emotions, problems and feelings and we want to help them. When we love, we love deeply regardless of how we are treated because we can always see the "good"and the "bad" inside everyone and we want to help them be the best they can be. This can lead to some unhealthy relationships. After being in a friendship or relationship that is repeatedly unhealthy, hurtful and sometimes abusive I will unconsciously reach a point in which I know I can not take anymore hurt.
The only way to do this is to simply shut them out of my life. It is an all or nothing situation. Allowing a repeatedly hurtful person in my life on any level will only lead to me being hurt even more. The Door Slam is not painless for me. Although it may seem to happen overnight, it is really a slow build up and it hurts me deeply to cut someone out of my life because I don't let a lot of people into my life to start with. The Door Slam is final. Once the door is closed, my emotions are off and there is no turning them back on. I think this is a safety mechanism of sorts, to help protect the sensitive soul of an INFJ.
The second type of Door Slam is much easier to understand. Unlike the first type of Door Slam, I have never felt bad about doing it. Okay, as long as I handled it in a reasonable manner. It goes like this - You hurt someone I care about and I am done with you. If you happen to do this on the wrong day you will see a very rare aggressive side of me that will leave you shocked at my out of character behavior.