I can't help but wonder why I dream of him. Is is because I will always love him? Or that I feel guilty for moving on with my life? I contemplate these things when I wake in the middle of the night in a mad hot sweat. Because, my dreams about him are most often actually nightmares. The jolt me awake with fear that I can't shake for a while.
That is right. Nightmares. Most often I dream that he is not really dead or that he comes back to life and he is very angry at me for pretty much every choice that I have made in my life since he passed away. His funeral? Of course he was angry about that. I should not have spent that much money on a funeral . Why didn't I just cremate him and stick him in a shoebox under the bed and spend the money on the kids instead. That is what he would have wanted.
Sometimes, I dream he comes back to life as a zombie. Okay, I am pretty sure that only happens after I binge watch to many episodes of The Walking Dead. Regardless, why can't I have a good dream about him? Why does he haunt me like this?
Honestly, I know that the nightmares happen because I loved him so very much and loosing him was a tragedy that will never leave me completely. I do feel guilty about moving on with my life, even though I know he would want me to live life to the fullest. He would want me and the kids to be happy. But, when you give your whole heart to someone and loose them there is always an empty part of your heart that you can't fill. I think the nightmares are just a reminder of that.