Somedays it is still hard to breath and other days It is easy to ignore the truth by pressing thoughts and emotions away. The truth is that no matter deep I stuff the many emotions that surround his death, the reality never really leaves me.
Loosing Charlie was more than just loosing the person I loved, it was loosing a part of who I am and leaving behind the life that I thought that I had. I lost the only person who loved and was as deeply invested in our children as me. It was also loosing the one person I have ever found who chose to love me exactly as I was even after seeing me ( many times) at my very worst and lowest points.
I could go on for pages about the things I lost with out him. There is also a truth that loosing so much as reminded me of just how quickly life, dreams, and hope can change. In one moment everything can change. My God never changes. He is constant and strong. In my weakness, he is strong. I can't sugarcoat the pain with scripture. It hurts. Everyday it hurts. I have blamed myself, God and the evil world. I have questioned and struggled. I still hurt but I am okay with that. The answers I have are not the answers I want. There is no easy way to walk through grief. It is painful, messy, and full of emotions I don't like. But, It is real. It reminds me that my God suffered and died for me. My grief and pain make me weak and when I rely on God I find the strength to go on.
That said, I can't lie. I can. I try to lie to myself most, but I have made an honest promise to God and myself that I will share my story honestly. Because, it is not just my story to tell. My life is ultimately God's story. I don't know the exact ending but I know I have a God who cares, who loves deeply and walks every messy step with me. My story is not that great, but the work of God in my life.... that is amazing.
Back to the truth about the grief in my life. Most days, I am fine. Somedays, I still hide under the covers, bury myself in frivolous things and pretend I am okay when I am not. There are a few days, when I completely loose it. I succumb to the pain and I wallow in it. Funny thing is... those are also the days that I come to the end of myself. No one but me, my pain and my God. Somehow, my joy comes in the morning. My god may not heal my pain with the wave of a wand, but he kneels down beside me and mops up my tears. He grants me a peace that is beyond words.